Raising Resilience in an Appearance- Obsessed World (a Mother-Daughter story)

Parents, this is a must read!

We are thrilled to have our first guest blogger Penny Greening, discussing all things resiliency and healthy conversations with our kids.

Guest Blogger: Penny Greening, Founder, Reframe Voices Society

Before I ever worried about my daughter’s screen time or homework battles, I worried about something heavier:

What if I accidentally gave my daughter a complex about her appearance?

Growing up, my sister and I were steeped in appearance-based praise. How we looked. How our very different body types compared. How “pretty” or “acceptable” we were supposed to be. That focus, paired with other risk factors, offered no benefit to our sense of well-being. If anything, it taught us that appearance was currency, and a fragile one at that. We were both scarred for life in ways I won’t break down here.

So when I became a mother, I was determined to do things differently.

I always knew my daughter was beautiful. I saw her beauty in the cuteness of her round baby face, when she rocked a wispy toddler mullet before her full head of hair finally grew in, and when her baby teeth were constantly falling out through the early years of elementary school. I saw her beauty across every transition, staying in awe of the impermanence of childhood and resisting the urge to guess what she might one day look like as a teen or young woman.

But I am also very familiar with how the choices my own parents made, even with the best intentions, were influenced by their unresolved childhood experiences and shaped my siblings and me in lasting ways. Those messages about acceptance and belonging lingered during the most critical years of our childhood brain development. So I was extremely careful not to comment on my baby girl’s appearance when she was young, choosing instead to focus on other areas that could help her build confidence.

I hoped to protect her from believing her worth lived in her looks.

I focused instead on who she was: her curiosity and creativity, her nonstop humour, her strength, and her growing leadership skills from a very young age. I wanted her to know she was more than what the world might eventually tell her she should look like.

Then one day, when she came home from school in second grade, she looked up at me and asked:

“Mama, how come you never tell me I’m pretty?”

My heart cracked into a million pieces. 💔

What came next was something I never imagined I would say to a seven-year-old, but it came out like water from a firehose.

“Sweetheart, I think you’re BEAUTIFUL! I just didn’t want you to think that’s ALL you were.”

With her voice still timid, in a way I had not heard since she was a shy two-year-old, she said:

“You always tell me I’m smart, or something. You just never call me pretty.” 🥺

I hugged her.
“I’m sorry, love. Would you like it if I told you you’re pretty sometimes too?”

Of course, she said yes.

And in that moment, I realized something important:
I had been so focused on protecting her from the appearance economy that I had not fully acknowledged she was already living in it.

That moment taught me how to begin balancing my intention to raise a strong, capable, whole human - with her very real developmental need to feel socially visible and accepted in a culture that notices appearance early.

We can’t stop an appearance-obsessed world from trying to convince kids, especially girls, that they need to purchase products or services to “fix” themselves to fit ever-changing social ideals. But we can give them a language that helps them see through it.

Parenting in an appearance-obsessed culture is about staying responsive, reflective, and willing to recalibrate. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can say is:

“I love you and see you, all of you, and you are already enough.”

To learn how to start reshaping this conversation at home, scroll on.

Shown here: Penny in The Palazzo Romper, with Lexi in our Theo Fuzzy

 

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How to Start Shaping the ‘Appearance’ Conversation at Home

1. Practice Body-Neutral, Not Body-Silent Language ✨

Body neutrality doesn’t mean avoiding appearance talk altogether. It means not making appearance the dominant source of affirmation.

Try these:

• Change appearance-based compliments to focus on style and broader observations.

• “I love your outfit. I also noticed how thoughtful you were with your friend earlier.”

• If they comment on their own bodies, talk about bodies in terms of function, feeling, and change rather than judgment.

• “Your body is growing and changing. That’s what bodies do.”

• Normalize body diversity early and often.

• “Every body comes in its own shape, size, and timeline.”

 

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2. Name the Appearance Economy Together 🕵️♀️

By around age six, most children understand that appearance carries social weight. Pretending otherwise can feel confusing or dismissive to them. Helping kids see the ‘system’ makes it easier for them not to internalize it.

How to approach it:

• Name the system without endorsing it.

• “Some people act like how you look is really important. That doesn’t mean it actually is, but it can still feel that way.”

• Ask open-ended, curious questions.

• “What do you notice about how people are treated based on how they look? Does that bother you? Why?”

• This is a great time to introduce your family values! And it reinforced that awareness builds agency over self, reducing the pressure to conform.

 

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3. Teach Media Literacy as a Shared Skill 📱

Media doesn’t just reflect culture, it actively shapes it. Children encounter it everywhere, from outdoor signs to books, magazines, and eventually screens. Turn it into a game: be “media detectives” and notice what looks staged, exaggerated, or left out.

Practical ideas:

• Watch or scroll together for a minute, and ask:

• “What do you think this image is trying to sell someone?”

• “Do you think this shows real life? Why? Why not?”

• Gently remind them that being seen a lot does not mean someone is more important or valuable.

• Talk about how pictures and videos are often changed using filters, special lighting, or careful angles.

 

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4. Hold Space for Mixed Feelings 💬

Kids can understand they are more than their appearance and still want to feel accepted. The need for acceptance is deeply human and evolves from pre-puberty through late adolescence.

What helps:

• Validate without fixing.

• “That sounds really uncomfortable/disappointing/awkward/hurtful. Did you want to talk about it?”

• Avoid minimizing or rushing to correct their feelings.

• Emotional openness builds resilience more than reassurance ever could.

 

 

5. Build a Family Culture That Expands Worth 💜

What kids hear at home becomes the voice they carry into the world. When their sense of worth is expansive at home, it becomes harder for the outside world to shrink their sense of self based on appearance.

Try these small but powerful shifts:

• In good measure, celebrate: effort, kindness, creativity, and courage - out loud.

• Share stories of everyday people valued for what they contribute, not how they look.

• Feel free to quote twin sisters and body image experts, Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite by saying, “Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.”

 

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Penny Greening is the founding board member of Reframe Voices, a BC nonprofit changing how families talk about food, body image, and mental health — with openness and compassion. Drawing on her own lived experience with eating disorders since childhood, as well as the loss of a family member to anorexia and bulimia, Penny frequently writes and speaks about eating disorder prevention and the importance of starting stigma-free conversations at home as early as possible. Her work blends personal insight with research-informed practice to help families recognize warning signs in children and youth and seek help sooner. Penny’s daughter is a first-year university student enrolled in a Bachelor of Science program.

Follow @ReframeVoices on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube or LinkedIn.